A Magnificent Wooing

In May of this year I performed an interpretive movement to the song "Keep Making Me" by Sidewalk Prophets. It was my very first time doing interpretive movement, but I felt God leading me to do it and I wanted to be obedient. I offered my performance to God as a sacrifice of praise, but I had no idea at the time just what I was offering.

Verse 3 reads:

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
'Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
'Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

Chorus:
'Til You are my one desire
'Til You are my one true love
'Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

This part of the song resonated most with me because I had been a widow for over 7 years. I was very frustrated with my continued singleness and repeatedly cried out to God to send someone to relieve my loneliness. Little did I know, God was about to answer my prayers just not quite as I had expected.

Within a few weeks following my performance, I resigned my position as a preschool special needs teacher to pursue my dream of starting my own business. I was looking forward to summer and making plans to enjoy my new found freedom and independence as a self employed business woman. That's when everything seemed to go wrong. Suddenly, all the people who had promised to support my new business disappeared and refused to return my calls or emails. During the same time period my mom and my best friend, my two confidants, began having work difficulties requiring both to work long hours. I rarely saw either one and I began a long slide into a deep depression. All summer, I continued to cry out to God telling Him what I needed and questioning why He was withholding my greatest desires. Yet I still prayed for His will even if I didn't understand what He had in mind.

At the end of August, I decided to attend a revival conference in Charlotte, NC. This was a HUGE step for me as it was the first time I had traveled alone since my husband's death. I almost didn't go because I was afraid... afraid of being all alone in a strange city and overcome with grief... afraid that everyone I saw would be in pairs or families and I would be miserable. What I didn't know was that God had been waiting to get me alone so that He could woo me. In that weekend He showed me in a mighty and powerful way that He was ALL I needed. I don't know how to describe it except to say that He invaded my soul in such a way that I don't ever want to go back to the way my life was before. Some of this invasion was painful. I had to repent for putting other relationships... my mother, my best friend, etc. and even my grief over the loss of my husband in God's place. Other parts were so wonderful I don't even have the words to express it. I was filled and satisfied completely. Suddenly, all the things I thought I wanted and needed seemed so small in comparison to what I had found. My heart has been forever captured.

Within eight weeks of attending the revival conference, I sold or gave away nearly all my earthly possessions including my wedding dress. I applied and was accepted into the Hope City internship with the International House of Prayer in Kansas City, MO. For six months, beginning in January 2015, I will be praying with and ministering to the homeless, addicts, and gangs of the inner city.


I used to say that the happiest day in my life was my wedding day, but I can’t say that anymore. The happiest day of my life is the day I was wooed beyond all I could ask or imagine by the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I will always love my husband, but no human relationship can even come close to what I have now. I am healed, whole, and satisfied. I no longer seek validation in relationships with people, romantic or otherwise, because in Jesus I have all the validation I will ever need. I rest daily in the promise of Isaiah 54:4-5 which says, “Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your maker is your husband- the Lord Almighty is his name- the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer.”

Letting Go

Hands fisted
Tightly grasping
Knuckles white
Hanging on for dear life.

A whisper,
“Let go.”

Yet I hang on
Not oblivious to the pain
Accustomed to it
The unknown is a dark and scary journey
And so the pain and I become one
Bound together by the fear.

Fear of failure
Of rejection
Of shame
Of lack.

The whisper again in my ear, 
“Let go.”

But letting go feels to me like giving up
Like being conquered
So I hold on harder
Attempting to control what I cannot.

Still God whispers, 
“Let go and let me."

And then it becomes clear
Letting go
Is not giving up
It is giving away the control
To the One who is in control of it all.

I open my hands
Palms raised
And in the letting go
The healing begins.

Unconditional

Last weekend I watched a movie based on a true story from Japan about a dog named Hachiko. Every day the dog would walk with his owner, a college professor, to the train station and see him off to work. Then every evening the dog would meet his owner at the station when he returned and walk home with him...EVERY day WITHOUT FAIL. One day the professor suffered a heart attack while at work and died, but the dog continued to wait faithfully for the professor to return. In fact, Hachiko waited in the same spot every day for over NINE YEARS until he too died in 1935. In honor of his unconditional love, loyalty, and faithfulness, the Japanese people placed a statue of Hachiko at the train station where he spent almost his entire life waiting for his beloved owner to come home.

Amazing? Not really. You see, Hachiko was created by a God who is the very definition of unconditional love, loyalty, and faithfulness. He sacrificed His own son on a cross because His love for us was so great that He could not bear to have us forever separated from Him. EVERY day WITHOUT FAIL, He waits for each of us. Some will be stepping off the train for the very first time while others are returning after getting off at the wrong stop. For some the journey is long and for others quite short, but no matter how long it takes we will find Him there waiting with open arms and when we step off the platform into His presence we will know we are HOME.

Who is like you, LORD God Almighty? You, LORD, are mighty, and your faithfulness surrounds you. Psalm 89:8

Beautiful

I had to wait in line to get in, but it was worth it. When he spotted me his face lit up and he hurried through the crowd. A seventh grader with blue eyes, blond curls, and dimples, he was one of my favorite students. Over his difficulties with math and language arts we had formed a special bond. That was why I was here. I couldn't be anywhere else. When he reached me he grabbed my hand and said, "Come on. I want you to meet my mother." He pulled me toward the front of the room and I followed. I was reluctant, but I what else could I do? This half boy, half man needed me and I would not refuse him.

"Isn't she beautiful?" he asked softly still holding tightly to my hand as we looked down at her earthly remains lying on a bed of pink satin. No. What cancer had done to her not even the undertaker had been able to disguise. But, then again she wasn't my mother and to him she was indeed beautiful. "Yes," I said and squeezed his hand.

Over ten years have passed since that day. That student is now a man and I have taken another career path, but I will never forget the lesson of that moment. Beauty is subjective, but when seen through the eyes of love the not so beautiful becomes a thing of great beauty. When my Heavenly Father looks at me, He looks past the ravages of sin and bad choices. He doesn't see the ugliness of my addictions and mistakes. Seen through the blood of His son, the proof of His love for me, I AM BEAUTIFUL and so are you. Rest in His love today and know You are His creation, He loves you, and YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

I have loved you with an everlasting love... Jeremiah 31:3

The Most Important Thing

I met her my freshman year of college...a Christian college. She was different, but I like different. So we became friends. After my freshman year I transferred to another school and we lost touch. A couple of years ago I got a friend request from her on facebook. I accepted her request and went to her page to find out what she had been up to and where she had been since we last saw one another. Much to my surprise I discovered that she was now a "practicing pagan." She was living in the mid-west. She had a husband...and a live-in boyfriend. Sometimes she had a girlfriend too. I was floored. I knew she had been raised in a Christian home. I wondered how her life had taken such a turn. I began to pray for her. I searched for common ground and focused on those things. When she posted things that I did not agree with spiritually I ignored them. I sent her messages and asked about her life. Eventually the sad tale was relayed to me piece by painful piece...abusive relationships, a child that she was forced to give up, parents who disowned her. My heart broke over the painful past that had turned her from the love of Jesus.

A few days ago she posted her decision to delete her facebook account due to the constant bombardment of in your face political and religious postings. I quickly obtained her email address so that I could remain in touch, but it got me thinking. How many of us proclaim the love of Jesus and then proceed to force our views on non-Christians? I'm not against having standards, but if our standards are proclaimed in such a way that we turn people away from Jesus then what good are they? Jesus is STILL more important than who I am voting for in the next election or my views on abortion, gay marriage, and the second amendment. Like Paul we should be resolved to know nothing "except Jesus Christ and Him crucified" 1 Corinthians 2:2. We may be the only Bible some people ever read. Are we attracting people to Jesus or turning them toward an eternity forever separated from Him? Are we sharing a message of love or standing in judgement and hatred?

The next time you feel the urge to broadcast your views or criticize others in a public forum such as facebook...STOP and THINK.

Before you share that picture...RECONSIDER.

Ask yourself, "How am I portraying my Jesus to the world?"

For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 1 Corinthians 2:2


As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9

"STUFF"ed Trunk...

In my bedroom closet is a large antique trunk. Originally my great grandmother's hope chest, it once contained her wedding gown and things for the new home that would be established when she married my great grandfather. Eventually, it was passed down to my mother, who used it to store my baby clothes and blankets, and then to me. As a teenager, I kept it in a prominent place in my bedroom and later as a married woman I hauled it from place to place as we changed locations. The last time it was moved, in 2006, we purchased new bedroom furniture. Sleek and modern, the new furniture really didn't go well with the antique trunk so the trunk ended up inside the walk-in closet where it now resides. Moving it was never an easy task. It is very heavy and doesn't have wheels so it must be carried from place to place by two people or placed on a dolly. The lid can no longer be fastened since the metal clasps are warped and its key has long since disappeared. In order to move it, you must hold the lid closed to keep the items stored in it from falling out.

The same may be said for our baggage. You know...that "STUFF" we all carry around with us...shards of painful memories, dusty remains of leftover anger and resentment, fragments of past hurts, handfuls of bad habits, pieces of broken relationships. Like an antique, our baggage is often passed down from generation to generation in the form of verbal, physical, and/or sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment, and painful family secrets. It's old and difficult to carry, but we struggle to carry it anyway. We keep it hidden. After all what would people think? We stuff it in the closets of our hearts and cover it with false pretenses of happiness. We try to forget it's even there. Some of us abuse alcohol, drugs, or food. Some of us abuse relationships. Some of us lash out. Some of us withdraw. Still we cannot forget and sometimes, even when given the chance to get rid of it, we cannot let go. It has become a comfortable part of our uncomfortable existence. We don't have any idea what life would be like without it because it's always been there. So we live with the pain and without the concept of true freedom. Yet Jesus said that He came so that we might "have life to the full." John 10:10 Somehow, I just don't see how we can live life to the full while attached to our baggage.

So what do we do?

• Confess to God. He already knows, but you are taking responsibility for your actions. THIS is where you find FORGIVENESS. But if we confess our sins to God, he can always be trusted to forgive us and take our sins away. 1 John 1:9

• Confess to someone you trust. THIS is where you find HEALING and TRUE FREEDOM. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. James 5:16

I know what you're thinking..."I can't tell anyone else about my STUFF!!!" That's what I thought too before I did it. Hiding your "stuff" leads to destruction. Sharing the secret removes its power over you. So find someone you trust that will keep your confidence and not stand in judgement of you. Confess your "stuff" and pray through it with them. You'll be SO glad you did!

For more information go to http://www.celebraterecovery.com/

Cart Full of Fear...

Last week, my mom and I went together to purchase groceries at a local shopping center. As we crossed the parking lot toward our car, our shopping cart full, I heard the unmistakable sound of shopping cart wheels on pavement just over my shoulder. Out of the corner of my eye I could see a man with a shopping cart bearing down on us nearly at our heels. I thought we were about to be accosted in a public parking lot so I began to push our cart faster rushing toward the safety of our car. The man sped up too. My heart in my throat, I raced faster and faster until I was nearly running and my mom could barely keep up. Still he kept coming. Just as we reached our car he stopped behind us and said, "Ma'am, here are the rest of your groceries." I turned to find that our "assailant" was actually an employee of the store and was following us with the remainder of our purchases that the cashier had placed in a separate shopping cart. We sheepishly thanked him and then collapsed in a fit of giggles as he returned to the store.

Our "close call" got me thinking. How often do we act based on fear? How often do we let the "what ifs" of life control our decisions?

What if I lose my job?
What if my spouse cheats on me?
What if something bad happens to those I love?
What if no one likes me?
What if I fail?
What if I get sick?
What if people laugh at me?
What if? What if? What if?


What if can become an endless cycle of worry and fear. It is no mistake that the Bible says, "Fear not..." 365 times. That's one for every day of the year. Jesus knows how prone we are to fear, but He assures us that we have no reason to become worried wonderers! We don't have to WORRY because He HOLDS our future. We don't have to WONDER because He KNOWS. Will bad things still happen? Yes, but He is in control. He doesn't promise us a problem free life, but He DOES promise to be there, to hold us up, and to use everything we encounter for His good purpose.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

So don't RUN in fear. LOOK to Jesus. After all, not every shopping cart is a prelude to disaster. :)